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Christie and Elise


The countdown is on…

So we are on countdown for Elise’s 3rd birthday! For most parents this is an exciting time, planning parties, buying presents and ordering the cake! Don’t get me wrong I’m doing all these things  too but I’m also sat up at night wondering why?

Who? Where? What? Why?

Who was supposed to sit down and look at my pregnancy and find out earlier that we were dying? Where on the timeline of my pregnancy did it all go wrong? What did I do wrong? Why us? Why me? Why my baby? My why family?
The questions have plagued me for nearly three years now. There are so so many unanswered questions.
These weeks running up to her birthday scare me, I know I will hit that dark place. I know I will analyse everything I did in those weeks leading up to her birth.
Elise in an incubator

Where have you gone?

I can’t pretend I’m anything like the person I used to be. I lost her in a mix of anger, bitterness, sadness and guilt. I don’t even think I can remember her. This again makes me sad because I’m pretty sure I used to be fun and a lot less grumpy!

Can you come back?

I don’t think I will ever fully get myself back and that’s ok, as Elise has progressed, things have been a little easier to deal with. I have to learn to accept these feelings when they come, I have to accept that things will come up which will always set me off asking why. I am still learning ways and coping mechanisms to get me through the tough times but you know what helps the most, Elise’s great big smile! (Maybe chocolate too, a text from my best friend and a cry to my Mam)

Accept your emotions

My counsellor told me it was ok to feel everything I felt, I had to accept them and deal with it. If you’re sad, it’s ok, no one can tell you how to feel, you just have to deal with it but not let it take over and my god, I know how hard that is! But it’s not impossible.
family photo

Our whole new world

We’ve learnt that ‘holland’ (if you know, you know!) isn’t so bad!
And on my bad days, I just have to think of our journey and how far we’ve come. Take each day as it comes.
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